page 1: grace

I'm not the biggest fan of New Years. I always feel that there is the hype of finding some awesome party to attend and having the perfect moment at midnight. I don't really believe in perfect and I'm not really a big party person, besides I like to be in bed by 9:00. I also tend to think that New Years is a relative term. Maybe my years as a student and teacher have altered my sense of time and perspective of "new year" to start in August/September and not January. Or the fact that the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashannah, is usually in September/October,but I just feel that focusing on renewal in the dead of winter right after Christmas can be so depressing and such a let down. It's cold, dark, and dreary and now we need to start making goals of how we are finally going to lose those 20 pounds not helped by all the holiday indulgence, or be better about keeping in touch with friends and family, etc. By March we've lost motivation or become distracted by daily life. I feel that this form of goal setting just sets most of us up for failure.

I don't mean to sound defeatist or depressing, but I guess I like to think of life as a circle, no real beginning or end. Goals, changes, and lessons happen at the proper time, when they are needed or when the universe reveals the right moment, not at a designated time that the rest of the world says is right. Maybe January 1 isn't the right time to reflect, focus, or make big changes.

However I think this year January 1 is the right time to focus on making some changes. I consider myself lucky to be married to man who is constantly reflecting and looking at how to make things better. He's constantly challenging me to be an even better version of my best self. It's hard work, and it certainly isn't always a pretty process, especially for me. I'm not particularly the most graceful person, literally and figuratively, and if there is one thing that I would like to work on for 2014 it is to work on my grace.

I've had a lot of highs and lows in 2013 and I think the most important thing is to look at what can be learned from the lows while also enjoying the highs. There have been some thrilling victories and adventures (Marlon getting his visa and his first visit to the US, which has been a 2 1/2 year process for us), and some excruciating heartbreaks (three miscarriages and the death of my grandmother and a friend in Seattle). But these are the moments and tidbits that make up life, they will always be there: the good, the bad, the happy, and the sad. That's where the grace comes in, how can I learn to be more humble, kind, courteous, patient, thoughtful, and spiritual? A lot of these qualities do not come easily to me and I suppose that is why I like to surround myself with people who naturally exhibit these qualities.

My mom suggested I start small and work on a little bit at a time. So that's what I'll do, be gentle with myself, remind myself that it's OK to have moments of failure, and to climb back on the horse of grace every time I fall off, bruised ego and all.

four for 34

Last year I made a list of all the things I wanted to accomplish before I turned 34. Well, I turned 34 9 days ago and I just went and reread that list. I was surprised that I achieved a good 2/3 of the things on it. I'm not sure if it's just me, but I notice I tend to focus on all the things I failed to do, or things I didn't do well/correctly, etc. I didn't read the books I said I was going to read, I still can't do unassisted pull-ups, fold myself into pigeon pose in yoga, and I think my quest for patience is going to be a lifelong journey.  However, instead of focusing on all the things I didn't achieve, and setting myself up with another list of things I may or may not accomplish I want to do something a little different for this trip around the sun.

Part 1: notes of gratitude

In my opinion there is nothing better to improve the mood then to sit back and take note of all the things to be grateful for in life. It's an opportunity to live within the present moment and to realize that life is not nearly as bad as it may seem sometimes. It's so easy to think about all the stuff that is lacking like time, money, etc., but then unexpected and wonderful things happen and it snaps you right out.
So here's the plan, I'm going to take note (verbally, mentally, on a post-it, in a journal, in a letter, in an email, on this blog, etc.) of those things that I am most grateful for, big and small. I will do my best to keep track of them all and on my 35th birthday I will compile the most spectacular list of all the most wonderful things that have happened throughout the year.

Part 2: love the one you're with

I'm a teacher and surrounded by people all day, but the one person I'm with all the time is.....me. I need to do my best to love myself to the best of my ability. When I married my husband I made all kinds of vows to love him and honor him during all kinds of happy and sad stuff, but how can I do that for him if I don't vow to do those things for myself first. So I'm vowing to honor, love, cherish, and protect myself. I will make sure I get enough exercise, because it makes me feel good about myself, mentally, physically, and spiritually. I will eat foods that make me happy, mentally, physically, and spiritually. I will take time for myself when I need it. I will surround myself by people who challenge to make me better. I will use my free time to surround myself with the ones I love or doing things that make me happy (and if that means watching re-runs of Scandal, than that is my choice).

Part 3: do what you love and love what you do

I love a lot of things, but if I had to narrow down my VERY favorite things I would say I love learning, food, books, and dancing (in no particular order). And that is where you come in. I'm taking suggestions. If there are books you have read that you have fallen in love with or that blew your mind, please pass them on and let me know about them. If there are recipes, foods, restaurants that have rocked your taste buds tell me all about it. If there is a new band or song that just gets you bopping every time you hear it, please send it to me. If you see a video, TED talk, movie, book, lecture, website, etc. with the most fascinating fact/idea/invention, share away. And not just with me, but with all the other awesome people in your world. I would really like to make this year all about passing on the AWESOMENESS!

Part 4: the bucket list

I think it is supremely important to have hopes, dreams, and goals. I also think it is important to not talk yourself out of them just because they seem impossible. So this year I am going to start a serious bucket list with all of the things I have always wanted to do, places I have wanted to go, things I have wanted to eat, and people I have wanted to meet. No matter how ridiculous, if it is a dream it will go on the list. I have learned to NEVER underestimate the power of your dreams, and the sense of humor of the Universe.

I would like to take a moment to say thank you for helping me out with my four part plan for making this next year supremely AMAZING!

Conversation in Class Today: The 70s

During our Social Studies lesson about Amerindian tribes of Guyana.........

T: Miss, what does 80 BCE mean? Eighty years before Christ?

Me: Yes, it means 80 years before Jesus.

R: Yeah! The 70s!!! (While fist pumping and nodding his head with enthusiasm)

getting back on the horse

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the concepts of "success" and "failure". The older I get the more I realize that failure really isn't the end of the world and some of your best successes can come from failing. The more time I spend in the classroom teaching kids the more I see how this lesson applies to the confidence and growth of kids.

Many many months ago I attended the Seattle premier of Undefeated, the 2012 Academy Award Winner for Best Documentary, and co-directed by a buddy of mine. In the movie the coach keeps telling his team that the measure of a man (or woman) is not determined by how he handles success, but how he handles failures.

I've learned a lot about how to turn failures into something that can be seen as success over the past 4 years. Some of them have turned into major life changes and others are just small victories, but still can be considered successes nevertheless.

Here is one particular incident that comes to mind:

Before I came back to Guyana, and I was still living in Seattle, I had gotten really into yoga and decided I wanted to try Bikram Yoga (aka HOT yoga). I purchased a Groupon for a few sessions at a studio near the place I was working. In theory I thought it would be pretty awesome doing yoga in a really hot room, I like to sweat, and I did yoga in Guyana, couldn't really be all that different, right?

I showed up to my first class hydrated (or so I thought), excited, and ready to go. We began and I was really into it, challenging myself, sweating my ass off (the room is kept at a "pleasant"105°F ≈ 40.6°C) , working myself into poses I never thought I could get into. About 35-40 minutes in it just hit me, I was going to pass out. So I lied down in corpse pose (it's not as morbid as it sounds you just lie on your back with your eyes open looking at the ceiling while breathing) and tried to relax, it worked for a bit, so I got back up and kept going, but then I got that splotchy tunnel vision and knew I had to lie back down. As soon as I did I knew I was going to puke and pass out at the same time, the only thought I had in my head at that moment was to get out of the room ASAP. So I head out the door........ and the next thing I know 5 people are kneeling over me asking me my name, the date, if my head hurts, etc. Apparently I did pass out (but no puking), and on my way down fell against the wall so hard I put good size hole in the drywall with my back. The paramedics were called, class ended early, and I became "that girl".

Let me start off by saying that getting myself into embarrassing situations doesn't shame me as much as it used to. After my Peace Corps experience in Guyana I'm kind of used to being "that girl". During one jungle adventure I spent four hours out of an eight hour mini-bus ride with my head hanging out the window puking my guts out. At that point I could have cared less what the other passengers were thinking about me, I was just focused on not puking in the mini-bus, on me, or anyone else, as well as making sure I didn't get a concussion  from all the crazy swerving over the unpaved road that was causing the nausea in the first place.

But let's get back to the story.......

If passing out in a yoga class and having the paramedics called had happened to me 4-5 years ago I would have completely written off Bikram Yoga as something that was clearly not for me, something I was not good at, and I would definitely never show my face again EVER. However, the idea of being a quitter and not really knowing if I actually liked it or not since I didn't make it through the entire class convinced me I needed to try it again. So I did. I went back to the same studio, told the instructor before the class started that I had tried Bikram once before and ended putting a hole in their studio wall. She looked at me with wide eyes, and was a bit speechless for a moment , then regained her composure and reminded me of the correct Bikram protocol of not leaving the room and lying down if I needed a break. She also promised to check on me throughout the class.

 I also took some lessons away from my last experience and took a few precautions:

1) Made sure I was HYDRATED!! I mean really really really hydrated. I made sure I drank at least 64 oz. of water before class as well as getting some electrolytes in my system and added some to my water before class started.
2) Pace myself. I felt great during that first 30 minutes of my first class and I was pushing myself entirely too hard. I needed to slow down and ease into the class.
3) Lie down when needed. There is no shame in taking a little break and EVERYONE does it at some point during the 90 minute class.

I am happy to say that my second Bikram yoga experience was a huge success. I made it through without passing out, having the paramedics called, or destroying studio property. I enjoyed the physical and mental challenge of getting my body in poses that required flexibility, balance, and focus. I also listened to my body when it was time to rest and re-hydrate. However I believe the biggest success for me was the fact that I "got back on the horse."

There have been several "getting back on the horse" moments since my Bikram incident and I know there will be many more. I just think it's alway nice to remind oneself that failure is not the worst thing that can happen in life.

Giddy-up.

full.

I'm baaaaaaaaaack!
I realize that it has been about 7 months since my last blog post and my 2013 Resolution is to be a more consistent blogger (or at least, try to be). I started this blog almost exactly one year ago. It was inspired by the events that occurred between January 26 - February 4, 2012. It's amazing how such devastating and disappointing news can turn into an unexpected blessing in such a short amount of time. The entire direction/path of my life changed in the span of a week. I'm still in awe of how the Universe reveals those little special secrets and surprises when you least expect and most need it.

So since my last blog post which was on my birthday LAST year I've........

.....moved back to Guyana.
.....moved to a new city in Guyana.
.....moved into a new house in that new city in Guyana.
.....got married.
.....started a new job.

And that was just July and August.

Needless to say my life has been VERY full.
Full of LOVE and CHANGE and TRANSITION and LEARNING and NEWNESS and STRESS and HAPPINESS and STUDENTS and SUNSHINE and CHALLENGES and FRIENDS and NOISE and LAUGHTER and TEARS and CELEBRATIONS and MISUNDERSTANDINGS and BLESSINGS. My life is full of all kinds of amazing and wonderful things, as well as all those hard not so easy things. I'm convinced at this point that I have to learn how to embrace both the good, the easy, the happy, the joyful AND the hard, the challenging, the sad, the frustrating. That is really what life is. Learning. Moving forward. The process of the challenging and hard stuff becoming easier.

So as the Universe continues to steer me in unknown directions I will continue to remind myself that being full is a good thing........now, off to go eat lunch.

34 things to do while i'm 33

My 33rd Birthday was SPECTACULAR! I spent the weekend with my fabulous wonderful friends eating amazingly delicious food, laughing, smiling, and relaxing. It was just right. On my actual birthday I took the afternoon off, had a lovely massage, and spent some time reflecting on all the lessons I learned while I was 32. I decided to make a list of 34 things I wanted to accomplish and work on this next year, before I turn 34. I have a feeling some of them will be easy to achieve and some of them will take a lifetime of work. 

What would you like to accomplish/learn/work on this next year?

34 things to do before turning 34:

  1)      Get married.

  2)      Get pregnant (hopefully).

  3)      Make new friends…..

  4)      But, keep the old ones (they are pretty rad)!

  5)      Read at least 5 classic pieces of literature that I haven’t read yet.

  6)      Watch at least 5 classic movies that I haven’t seen yet.

  7)      Travel to Region 1 of Guyana, so I can officially say that I have been to all 10 Regions.

  8)      Travel to a country I haven’t been to (like….Barbados or Trinidad)!

  9)      Learn how to make round roti.

  10)   Have Marlon teach me how to make pepperpot.

  11)   Become a better listener (to my friends, my students, my family, my partner, and myself).

  12)   Become nimble enough to get myself into Pigeon Pose in Yoga. 

  13)   Start meditating for at least 10 minutes every day.

  14)   Embrace my artistic and creative side.

  15)   Tell the people that I love and care about, that I love and care about them….more often than I do now.

  16)   Continue to work on being patient……this one might take a lifetime.

  17)   Do 3 unassisted pull-ups.

  18)   Attend at least one Hindu wedding.

  19)   Drink more water.

  20)   Continue to ask for help when I need it.

  21)   Practice more acts of kindness both random and deliberate.

  22)   Start writing stories about my first 2 years in Guyana, so maybe I can get them published one day.

  23)   Learn the rules to cricket and attend at least one game at the National Stadium.

  24)   Get a Guyanese Driver’s License.

  25)   Learn how to drive on the left side.

  26)   Learn how to wrap a sari.

  27)   Worry less.

  28)   Become a better card player.

  29)   Improve my vocabulary.

  30)   Eat less refined sugar.

  31)   Take better care of my skin.

  32)   Be open to new adventures.

  33)   Be brave.

  34)   LOVE!!!

the life you are capable of living

I have tried writing this particular post about 5 different times this week, and each time I didn't feel like I was saying what I really meant. Today I logged onto Facebook and saw a quote that my friend Sara from massage school posted on her wall, it said:

"There is no passion to be found in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."
-Nelson Mandela

I kept reading it over and over and thinking, "WOW! That is SO true, but what the heck does that really mean?" I mean really? What kind of life are we all capable of living? I know that seems like a crazy question, but I don't think I really started to wrap my head around what kind of potential is in all of us until I joined the Peace Corps. I think it's one thing to have an inkling of what it is you are capable of and when you see that come to fruition you think, "yeah, I knew I had it in me", but it completely and totally blows your mind when you exceed what you thought you were capable of. That is what happened to me in Guyana. I exceeded any and every expectation of what I thought I was capable of in both a personal and professional way, and my mind was BLOWN. I fell in love.....with myself, with Guyana, and with a man. I have never been the same since.

It's hard to come back to USA reality after that kind of transformation. I wanted to be able to hang onto that new found awareness, but it was hard. It was hard to readjust how I related to people who knew me before I left and not misinterpret how they related to me. It was hard to maintain that passion for living that life I knew I was capable of when I couldn't get a job and I was living at home with Mom and Dad. I had this plan for when I got back and it was all going to fall into place and I was going to be OK. But life sometimes has other plans, and I apparently needed to struggle through 9 months of falling down, failing, asking for help, letting people love me when I felt anything but lovable, and mourning the end of my incredible Peace Corps journey, in order to be ready for what the Universe had in store for me.

I was putting so much energy and stress into a plan that just wasn't working out and the harder I tried to make it work the less it did. I thought I was being responsible and doing what I was "supposed" to do, but this past January the Universe intervened to set me back on the right path. I was given some pretty devastating news and it forced me to reevaluate what I was doing, why I was doing it, and what I REALLY wanted. Within 5 days my plan and path had completely changed and with that change it all started to get easier, things started to fall into place, and I started to have that vision, passion, and yearning for the life I know I am capable of having.

And so....It looks like I'll be moving back to Guyana this summer to marry the man I fell in love with and to work as a teacher at the International School (YEP, finally got a job!).

Off to find out more of what my life is capable of.